Expectations
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” - Maria Robinson
Years ago, entrenched in the middle of my hectic child-rearing days, I sought relief from the daily tedium by stealing a few minutes on occasional nights, after the kids were safely tucked in bed, writing in a journal. While cleaning out a bookshelf recently, I found this frayed volume and another, titled Shadows Speaking, that I had begun while still a teenager. The latter is mostly poetic prose but the journal is more a revelation about attitude and expectations.
I have always been one who naturally sees the glass in front of me as half full. This is a blessing in and of itself, and I don’t know for sure why I was given this particular advantage, because no matter how stressful life can be, if we choose to be grateful for what we have, instead of whining about what we don’t have, we are better equipped to survive adversity. In an entry to my journal dated April 13, 1975, I wrote:
“Attitude is at least fifty percent of circumstances. If you live in a small house but you call the light fixture in the kitchen THE CHANDELIER and you call the alcove in the living room that holds the table and chairs, THE DINING ROOM, you have a positive attitude. Something is bound to become of you. I’m waiting.”
We live in an age of pass-the-buck; self-accountability is nearly extinct now. Everything is always someone else’s fault or responsibility. And that includes personal happiness and well-being. But, even so, it truly is not enough to say that there will always be those who are less advantaged than we in order to keep a clear perspective about our own circumstances. Easy to say, “there but for the grace of God go I” but it's much harder to live when life is not measuring up to your perception of how it ought to be. There is another deeper, more profound understanding within us that determines how we see ourselves, what we expect from others, and from life in general.
On July 8, 1977 I entered:
“Just past my 30th birthday. So much has happened since April of ‘75. Papa Bail spent all of that summer in the hospital and died August 16, 1975 [age 84]. In March of 76 we sold the house and found this four bedroom house in Magic Circle. I wasn’t sure it was the right thing to do but we seemed to be guided into it. At least I know that God can take a bad move and make it right. We sold the station in April of ‘76. That was a good move. We have struggled and nearly starved and came very close to bankruptcy but I know we had to get out of business for ourselves. We weren’t cut out for it. I’ve never really experienced such frustration as last summer. I can look back now and be so thankful for so many things. We aren’t straightened out completely yet but at least I’m not sick worrying about how I’ll buy groceries or school supplies or pay the house payment. I can see light ahead whereas last year there was nothing but darkness. I enter this to remind myself that no matter how bad things can get, if you hang onto faith, and believe, time will relieve your pain. I hope I gather a great deal of understanding and patience with all the good and bad experiences that I encounter in my life.”
I couldn’t foresee in July 1977 that there would be many more trials for me to overcome in the next ten years but at that moment I exhaled and paused in relief that a storm had passed. I wisely didn’t expect that there would be no more storms, however. I was just grateful for the respite and knew deep within that I had learned something from the experience and fully expected to learn even more from what lay in wait for me in the future. And I did. More than anything else I learned that no material wealth is better than peace of mind founded in spiritual health. But more importantly, spiritual health is acquired from conscious effort.
Ultimately it is our expectations, even more than our attitude, that shapes the very moment we are in and thus how the next moment unfolds for us. If we are basically satisfied with whatever we have in our glass, we are, at the very least, at peace. If we are never quite satisfied, we are never at peace, not with ourselves, not with those around us and certainly not with God. It is a fact that a grateful heart usually gives birth to good endings, but dissatisfaction begats nothing but more dissatisfaction and self-inflicted misery. We can choose either but we cannot blame anyone else for our choice and the subsequent results. And I believe we must answer to God one day for these choices as well.
I am reading a book that I bought ten years ago, Jesus Freaks, by DC Talk. I don’t know why I’ve had it so long on the shelf but I am glad I found it again because it is a profound testimony to the power of positive attitude and expectations. It is a collection of true stories about Christians who have suffered and/or been martyred for the sake of Jesus Christ. After reading this book I will certainly be careful about complaining about anything ever again. Though it is firstly about deprivation, suffering, pain, humiliation and death, it is also about joy and peace and human triumph over evil. To face a death squad and die singing praises with a smile on your face is the ultimate example of optimistic attitude, expectation and a good ending. I pray I die as well when my time comes.
Every day dawns with a new challenge for us. Sometimes it is life-threatening, but more often than not it is nothing more than monotony. It is our attitude about where we are in the moment that sees us through to the next challenge. When my father-in-law passed in August of 1975, though he was elderly and did indeed have some health issues, he mostly died of a bad attitude and unrealistic expectations. Regardless of the measures we (I) took to inspire him to find things to be interested in, people to interact with, he only wanted one thing, his wife and old life back or more specifically me to be the substitution for that for him. But since he could not have that one thing, without vision or flexibility he sunk into a despair that caused his gradual decline to death. And it was a bad ending; he did not die well. It was my first sobering encounter with the truth about inspiration and where it comes from. If we do not have the seeds of inspiration within us, we can never receive them from without. And if we are not fertile ground within, can we ever bear good fruit? Is it not our fruit that defines our heavenly reward?
In 1968, age 21, I entered this in Shadows Speaking:
“When sleep is near and the depth of night’s shadows cover me, they speak in whispering tones, tormenting me with past unchangeable deeds, and challenging me with impossible adventures.”
The only thing we can claim to own in this life is our attitude and what we expect from it, which can make or break us in the blink of a thought. We cannot go back and change how we began yesterday but we can certainly consider how yesterday ended and if we want it to be different we can decide how we want today to end and take action to make it happen. But the decision is ours alone to make.
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