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Attitude

At the end of a long week, five-thirty on a Friday, I stopped at a local national chain grocery store to pick up a few items, including a movie for my husband and I to settle down with after dinner. The clerk rang it up and announced I owed $9.45 in late charges for the last movie I had rented several weeks prior. She couldn't know how this incensed me. After all, she was only going by the computer's readout. She couldn't know I had recently stopped using my regular video store because their computer claimed I owed $16.00 worth of late fees for a movie I hadn't even heard of much less rented.
       

Due to that past experience and my already elevated mistrust of video rentals, I suppose I was overly defensive and instantly insisted that not only had I returned the film, I remembered going out of my way to drop it in the outside drop box early on the morning it was due because I didn't want it rattling around in my car all day. I hate paying late fees and to my credit, I have rarely needed to. I always rewind, too, I was thinking somewhat sanctimoniously to myself. She didn't know that either.
        

The clerk called her supervisor, who rummaged around in stacks of receipts and then, in turn, called his supervisor. I explained to her I was being charged for late fees on a movie I had returned promptly. She looked at the bill, then me and said in what I interpreted to be the most condescending tone, "Well, we'll wave it this time, but this will stay on file and...". I assumed the unspoken words were, "if you ever try this number again it won't fly."
       

I didn't make a scene, though I'm sure she could see I was angry and other customers certainly could hear our conversation. I told her briefly about my experience with the other video store and how, at that point, I didn't think I could trust any video rental service. She then admitted grudgingly that mistakes could happen, but that they clean out the drop box several times a day and... Once again, I thought I could hear the unspoken words, "you are either wrong or lying."
        

With great indignation, I required her to sign the new invoice clearing the late fees and told her I guessed I would need to have a clerk sign and date my receipt every time I return a video. She said she was sorry I felt that way. I did not, however, hear her apologize for the mix-up and I didn't try to interpret this omission until later when I was relating the incident to my husband. Later, as I told him the story I watched it in my head like a homemade video. I saw her look at me with complete lack of interest in the cultivation of customer relations. And I also saw how I was dressed.
        

As a designer and freelance writer my usual attire is a favorite pair of faded jeans and an old paint splattered sweatshirt. My makeup was long faded, my hair was askew from the windy day. Frankly, I looked a mess. But I am who I am, no matter what I am wearing. I felt if she had analyzed me by my language and the way I conducted myself, she would have seen past the exterior and known she was dealing with a respectable, intelligent human being. Right? I will never know for sure if she would have treated me differently had I been dressed in a designer suit and fresh makeup, but it seemed to me, at the time, she summed me up by what she saw, decided I wasn't worth much and did what she had to do to get me out of her hair.                 
Maybe.

The conclusion to this is not what you might expect. Because I sincerely believe attitude is the exclusive responsibility of self, I know I am the only one in charge of my attitude. This uncomfortable realization has made me rethink long and hard about the conclusions I, myself, draw. If I judge her, am I no different? If I am honest with myself, I can't say I am always mentally benevolent and tolerant. I know there are times when I let outward behavior or appearances incite me to instant judgment and I am ashamed to admit this. So, what is wrong with this picture?
        

Searching my heart I must admit I may have judged unfairly. At the very least, it is possible I was the victim of simple vain imaginings. How can I know for sure what she was thinking? Perhaps the week had been long for her as well. Only God knows the intent of the heart. Furthermore, so what if she was misjudging me? Am I not affected by my own reaction to another's action and not the action itself?
        

I fear it is such a common habit, we don't even know when we are unfairly judging someone else. And we can always find our own justifications for our opinions. But the truth is, one on one we express and exemplify our faith in the way we act towards others. If we are petty, mean spirited or constantly offended by the deeds and words of others, ultimately we only do damage to ourselves. If I claim to be a Christian, then I am commissioned to seek to learn and employ the simple, straightforward, uncomplicated truth about the Christian life I am expected to follow; all the time, not just when I am feeling pious, right after I have done something overtly good.
        

Don't get me wrong, I'm not preaching to you. Because even though my heart knows all this, I confess I still haven't been able to bring myself to rent another video from this store, which is painful evidence of my need for further growth. But I promise I'm working on it. Of course, the joy here is that my faith allows that I can.